I remember when I first saw him, he was this cute little baby boy. I was so afraid to carry him as like all babies, he looked vulnerable, and I was afraid that the clumsy old me, might not be able to handle him. I remember feeding him with the bottle, I remember how he used to sleep, …I remember that he didn’t have much hair, and sometimes, he looked like he was having a bad day. We tried to make him smile, and I found a remedy that worked, tickled his cute baby cheeks with my hair. And when he smiled, it was just so sweet..., that was the moment that I have captured in my heart, a picture that was carved in me and I took home with.
Some time later, I met him again. This time, he was already walking. He was running…, and he was this little cute angel that I’ve immediately fell in love with. I remember carrying him while we were in KL, at the lobby of Hotel Istana, and he was running towards the pianist, who was playing a piece of song,.., that was just too long ago, I couldn’t remember what it was. What I remember was, the little angel enjoyed the wonderous sounds of music, melody that probably soothe him in ways that I would never know.
Years passed, and occasionally I get to see him when he comes home to us. And every time, I looked forward to see him, but every time, I didn’t know how to approach him, cause he was then a little toddler, and even though being his only aunt, I was not a familiar face. Distance has not been too kind to me…, but that soon, changed.
I moved to SP after completing my university years. There and then, we met again. I remember, when we first met, there were these strange look of awkwardness, and I was always trying to find some way, some how to break the ice. I remember folding paper planes once day, he came closer, and from that day onwards.., we were together…
We spent a lot of time together. We sang, we played, we joked. I was having issues back then, emotionally and I was more in a confuse state than anytime else, but he was always there to cheer me up. He would come and comfort me, when he sees me in tears. He would bring me a flower, and give me assurances when I am depressed. He was just this little angel, heaven sent.., so pure & gentle. So loving …, so beautiful.
I remember sitting in the grass with him, talking about how mushrooms grew after the rain. I remember, telling him to look at the sky, the birds, the shape of the clouds and see how beautiful it was. I remember singing him tunes of the “dream” song.. and how he would “hum” and sing with me. We were so much “in love”.
Then, it came. The day where decision was to be made, and I had to go. Many hearts were broken, I felt the pain. But life went on. I came home with a rich blend of memories, but I also left behind, a broken dream. I knew it was hard, as he was just a little child trying to understand. I knew he was in pain.., I was too, but I told myself, he will understand. I shy away for many years, there were no phone calls, there were no attempts to reminisce what we have shared. And even though I longed to be as close as before, I was hoping he would soon grow to forget me, and eventually forget the pain.
Now, he has gone into teenage years. I am probably just a little something from his childhood memory, but he is like one of the sweetest in mine.., and he will always be that little angel. The little angel who told me he would protect me from pain, yet I was the devil who caused him so much of it.
When I saw him again, he has grown so much. I didn’t know how to confront him, I didn’t know how to approach him, I didn’t know how and where to begin. And when things started to warm up, I had to leave again, probably something that he had gone used to, but it was something that was hard for me, …so hard for me… something that others would probably don’t understand.
“ Armand, I’m sorry that Ayie has not been there for you throughout all these years. I am sorry that I had to go again and again and again. Ayie just want you to know that you have always been in my heart, and no matter how many years have gone by.. or the coming years, you will always be that little angel, an angel in my heart”
“ Years ahead, will be so full of challenges. As I was not there for you over the years, I probably do not deserve a right to say this to you, but I want you to know that no matter what the years ahead brings us, and no matter what challenges you need to overcome, always look behind you, cause Ayie will always be there …, and if you search deep down enough, and try to remember the promises me made, on that fine day, you should know that, this love never dies.. it will stay on.. no matter how and where we are, and nothing can ever take that away.. Ayie will always love you like how I used to. Nothing has changed and nothing will.
Our promised is sealed, therefore the dream was never at all broken. Its been there, a little rusty perhaps, but nothing a warm heart can’t do.
